"...I need to learn more about myself, I donno what to do; I don't want a routine job, I don't think I can handle that." She said, and then after a moment of silence added:"I don't want to get married either, not after what I witnessed...I don't have a purpose, but I am thinking of doing something physical, discover myself you know??" How ironic, I can relate, especially that routine job thing, and ended up establishing a daily routine to balance all the randomness I am living.
I've been digging deeper and deeper, looping and recycling and digging again until I get the feeling that I got control over my fears, that I am transparent, that I am Hercules facing life, courageous and ready to face it all. Until it hits me the next day, find out how cowardly I've reacted, how quick I've fled the scene. Revealing the same old insecurities, same fears. I might have traveled a mile before regressing two, in other words took one step forward and two steps back. Then I beat myself for not trying harder, tell myself that I am young, that I am learning and that I will do better the next time...I mean I've a whole life ahead of me. And it strikes me how many times do I have to rinse, lather and repeat and I donno how many times are left before I suddenly wake up one day knowing that there's simply not enough time, at least not anymore.
Here I am doing too many things at once, distracting myself, learning different skills everyday and yet the closer i get to find answers, the further I am...The truth is a question, while seeking it might be an answer, you'd always wonder if it's ever gonna be enough. And I look around, at people like her, different than her and other than her; and no matter how hard they try to put on the happy face, you can still see through, something is missing, you've been there. No matter how others envy them, no matter how successful they seem. As frustrating as it is, I know I have to find my way, I know I need to choose my path, I know it's not easy and I am afraid of the extent of sacrifices it takes sometimes, I am afraid to repeat other people's mistakes and yet here I am growing, digging and crawling...
It's not all bad, like I said, I am growing and proud of what I've accomplished. But I always knew I could have done more, not regretting it as much as wondering how come I never saw it, thinking I was transparent and honest at least to myself, but damn I never saw it coming...I know that there are things I probably still ignore, or maybe my defensive mechanisms are too sly, but Looking at my mother I realize that sometimes you cannot stretch to your limits or beyond, sometimes you've to settle with the fact that you did the best you could at the time. While it leaves a lot to be desired, I know I cannot beat myself for not doing more. And then a bulb just lights in my head, and on to the new adventure...
I recognize my mistakes, I understand what I left behind, and my most important lesson was to let go, I often thought it was a form of surrender,of giving up, and now I know it's more about survival than anything else. I've always described myself as driven, enthusiastic, self motivated and energetic, while not far from the truth, but sometimes I wonder what does that mean. Sometimes nothing makes sense, because you'll look around, you excitement will fade away when you get that you've been living the same old story. You are just living through different circumstances.
I am unique, and it's a perspective in life. The thing is; I also know we are all the same and there's only one way to heaven...Whatever that means to you!
You may agree and you may disagree, you may be denying the loop, or circling around. Just share your story, inspire me...
About Me
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Solitude
On your own...
But not really on your own,
nobody can do it alone.
Free...
Running like a bee,
a fool who's just happy to see.
Exuberant...
With no restraints,
just like a wet paint.
Elegance...
The smile on your face,
gives away your ineffable grace.
Bursting arrogance...
A desirable glance,
a curious dance.
Intensity...
Declining unanimity,
with fervent ferocity.
Greatness...
You are the poet of distress,
engraved on stone in regress.
Criminal...
For being so equivocal,
you can't help feeling pivotal.
Persisting...
A rock that is still standing,
as long as you can keep pretending.
In silence...
Craving remonstrance,
slowly fading in reminiscence.
Out of place...
Wanting to erase,
and nothing helps your case.
Strong...
Holding along,
knowing you can fly in a song.
Leaning...
On whoever came creeping,
just keeps you breathing.
Trying not...
To fall apart,
to break in a zillion part.
Alone...
Laying on a lawn,
amidst the people you rely on.
Shredded...
Feigning not being dreaded,
by the solitude you cradled.
But not really on your own,
nobody can do it alone.
Free...
Running like a bee,
a fool who's just happy to see.
Exuberant...
With no restraints,
just like a wet paint.
Elegance...
The smile on your face,
gives away your ineffable grace.
Bursting arrogance...
A desirable glance,
a curious dance.
Intensity...
Declining unanimity,
with fervent ferocity.
Greatness...
You are the poet of distress,
engraved on stone in regress.
Criminal...
For being so equivocal,
you can't help feeling pivotal.
Persisting...
A rock that is still standing,
as long as you can keep pretending.
In silence...
Craving remonstrance,
slowly fading in reminiscence.
Out of place...
Wanting to erase,
and nothing helps your case.
Strong...
Holding along,
knowing you can fly in a song.
Leaning...
On whoever came creeping,
just keeps you breathing.
Trying not...
To fall apart,
to break in a zillion part.
Alone...
Laying on a lawn,
amidst the people you rely on.
Shredded...
Feigning not being dreaded,
by the solitude you cradled.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Ya Aznavour Ya Raye2...
You are the one for me, for me, for me, formidable
You are my love very, very, very, véritable
Et je voudrais pouvoir un jour enfin te le dire
Te l' écrire
Dans la langue de Shakespeare
My daisy, daisy, daisy, désirable
Je suis malheureux d' avoir si peu de mots
À t'offrir en cadeaux
Darling I love you, love you, darling I want you
Et puis c' est à peu près tout
You are the one for me, for me, for me, formidable
You are the one for me, for me, for me, formidable
But how can you
See me, see me, see me, si minable
Je ferais mieux d'aller choisir mon vocabulaire
Pour te plaire
Dans la langue de Molière
Toi, tes eyes, ton nose, tes lips adorables
Tu n'as pas compris tant pis
Ne t'en fais pas et viens-t-en dans mes bras
Darling I love you, love you,
Darling, I want you
Et puis le reste on s'en fout
You are the one for me, for me, for me, formidable
Je me demande même
Pourquoi je t'aime
Toi qui te moques de moi et de tout
Avec ton air canaille, canaille, canaille
How can I love you
You are my love very, very, very, véritable
Et je voudrais pouvoir un jour enfin te le dire
Te l' écrire
Dans la langue de Shakespeare
My daisy, daisy, daisy, désirable
Je suis malheureux d' avoir si peu de mots
À t'offrir en cadeaux
Darling I love you, love you, darling I want you
Et puis c' est à peu près tout
You are the one for me, for me, for me, formidable
You are the one for me, for me, for me, formidable
But how can you
See me, see me, see me, si minable
Je ferais mieux d'aller choisir mon vocabulaire
Pour te plaire
Dans la langue de Molière
Toi, tes eyes, ton nose, tes lips adorables
Tu n'as pas compris tant pis
Ne t'en fais pas et viens-t-en dans mes bras
Darling I love you, love you,
Darling, I want you
Et puis le reste on s'en fout
You are the one for me, for me, for me, formidable
Je me demande même
Pourquoi je t'aime
Toi qui te moques de moi et de tout
Avec ton air canaille, canaille, canaille
How can I love you
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
New: An asian beef liver recipe!!
It's not completely my invention just added an ingredient or 2;
Ingredients:
-Beef liver (sliced)
-Vegetable oil
-Soy sauce
-Teriyaki Sauce
-Onions(round chops)
-Chopped garlic
-Vinegar
-Salt & pepper
-Apricot compote(finely sliced) + its sauce
-Rice noodles
Directions:
Mix the raw liver with salt, pepper, vinegar, soy sauce & teriyaki and leave it in the fridge for half an hour. Heat some oil in a wok(like 4 spoons of oil).
Boil some water, leave the noodles for 5 minutes in it(or as preferred) until it's cooked. Toss it in the serving dish.
Fry the onions and garlic in the wok, then add the liver (and the sauce), keep stirring, and
when the liver is half cooked add the compote and the sauce, stir, taste and transfer to the serving dish when it's well done.
Bon appetit!
P.S: I didn't specify the amount of ingredients, because I never put that in mind and I never commit to a recipe, but it's worth trying, it was incredibly delicious, although I was the chef!!
Ingredients:
-Beef liver (sliced)
-Vegetable oil
-Soy sauce
-Teriyaki Sauce
-Onions(round chops)
-Chopped garlic
-Vinegar
-Salt & pepper
-Apricot compote(finely sliced) + its sauce
-Rice noodles
Directions:
Mix the raw liver with salt, pepper, vinegar, soy sauce & teriyaki and leave it in the fridge for half an hour. Heat some oil in a wok(like 4 spoons of oil).
Boil some water, leave the noodles for 5 minutes in it(or as preferred) until it's cooked. Toss it in the serving dish.
Fry the onions and garlic in the wok, then add the liver (and the sauce), keep stirring, and
when the liver is half cooked add the compote and the sauce, stir, taste and transfer to the serving dish when it's well done.
Bon appetit!
P.S: I didn't specify the amount of ingredients, because I never put that in mind and I never commit to a recipe, but it's worth trying, it was incredibly delicious, although I was the chef!!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Death...
It's always strange, it resuscitates a certain feeling, I do not know how to describe it, but I certainly know how it is like. It incarnates your deepest fear and exploit your unresolved issues, it doesn't matter who is dead or how old, it doesn't even matter if you knew that person or not. Some put it like a long period of sleep, but it's a wake up call, a wake up for everything that you put on halt, for everything you buried in the sand, things you didn't want to be reminded of, things that confuse you, it reveals unanswered questions, or maybe ones with the most undesirable answer...
Old people always find a consolation when they describe the funeral to be "the best" one could have, nice, and full of people, or the food to be great, trying to put their scare aside.
Funerals aren't always the same though, old people exits are usually calm with not many words to say, they weren't needed, pretty useless, and sick anyway...It's a great chance to mention how great they were and fake some stories, spicing things up with some drama, such as loneliness, inheritance issues, people who didn't show up, revealing the dark secrets that should be kept in order to keep stains away from the glorified images built through countless speeches throughout the process. There'll always be those nosy people, who always ask questions, that no one is ready to answer, some are in grief but those have come to collect stories and make up tales.
It is creepy and it freaks me out, you wonder, and bang your head into the wall with millions of questions without an answer, one thing you know, is that the dead are gone for good. You'll never see them, speak to them or hear from them again. You want to know how it feels, you want to know if it inflicts pain, you want to know what is it, you want to understand the mechanism. Unfortunately no one comes back to tell you what were they got into, or what were they doing.
No matter how many times it comes near you, it always trigger you, you never become familiar with such a thing, that you know nothing about, that deprives you of the people you know and often love, that sends chills down your spine, that leaves you shattered in grief, or perplexed with inexplicable emotions.
It always angers you; the feeling of being toyed with, of building castles and having God to destroy them, you feel manipulated and helpless, why did you do that, and how could you hurt me like that, you get to calm down a bit later and repeat Einstein's famous cliche: "God does not play dice." If you believe that he's there, it's all for the good. Later you feel that you were given the gift to outsmart yourself and understand what was the good about it and why it has happened. The fact is that it happens because it just is, here's no way you could think of to make it sound better.
It could be a plan executed with precision, described by the fact that it was the permanent end of a biological organism, could be earlier due to the effects of wear or rust, or that it is the permanent separation of body and soul. One thing I know for sure, I don't want to die before getting an answer to my questions, before reaching what I seek in this life. I don't want to die with the desire to live, I don't want to die unless I am attracted by the myth of what is going to happen next, I want to die when I am done.
The pain always comes from those who are still alive, people get worried for what and who they can still see, but no one said it's going to be easier for the dead.
I conclude with this line:
"Death is certain, since it is inevitable, but also uncertain, since its diagnosis is sometimes fallible"
Old people always find a consolation when they describe the funeral to be "the best" one could have, nice, and full of people, or the food to be great, trying to put their scare aside.
Funerals aren't always the same though, old people exits are usually calm with not many words to say, they weren't needed, pretty useless, and sick anyway...It's a great chance to mention how great they were and fake some stories, spicing things up with some drama, such as loneliness, inheritance issues, people who didn't show up, revealing the dark secrets that should be kept in order to keep stains away from the glorified images built through countless speeches throughout the process. There'll always be those nosy people, who always ask questions, that no one is ready to answer, some are in grief but those have come to collect stories and make up tales.
It is creepy and it freaks me out, you wonder, and bang your head into the wall with millions of questions without an answer, one thing you know, is that the dead are gone for good. You'll never see them, speak to them or hear from them again. You want to know how it feels, you want to know if it inflicts pain, you want to know what is it, you want to understand the mechanism. Unfortunately no one comes back to tell you what were they got into, or what were they doing.
No matter how many times it comes near you, it always trigger you, you never become familiar with such a thing, that you know nothing about, that deprives you of the people you know and often love, that sends chills down your spine, that leaves you shattered in grief, or perplexed with inexplicable emotions.
It always angers you; the feeling of being toyed with, of building castles and having God to destroy them, you feel manipulated and helpless, why did you do that, and how could you hurt me like that, you get to calm down a bit later and repeat Einstein's famous cliche: "God does not play dice." If you believe that he's there, it's all for the good. Later you feel that you were given the gift to outsmart yourself and understand what was the good about it and why it has happened. The fact is that it happens because it just is, here's no way you could think of to make it sound better.
It could be a plan executed with precision, described by the fact that it was the permanent end of a biological organism, could be earlier due to the effects of wear or rust, or that it is the permanent separation of body and soul. One thing I know for sure, I don't want to die before getting an answer to my questions, before reaching what I seek in this life. I don't want to die with the desire to live, I don't want to die unless I am attracted by the myth of what is going to happen next, I want to die when I am done.
The pain always comes from those who are still alive, people get worried for what and who they can still see, but no one said it's going to be easier for the dead.
I conclude with this line:
"Death is certain, since it is inevitable, but also uncertain, since its diagnosis is sometimes fallible"
Jacques-Benigne Winslow, Danish Anatomist: Morte incertae signa, 1740
May you rest in peace.Friday, April 20, 2007
Continuity...???
It's not that there's anything wrong with your life or anything, it's just a boring sensation, you are doing okay, with your work, study, hobbies, family and friends, getting along with people, no tension, no fights, no big deals, no one is really bugging you, nothing specially annoying.
It's been a struggle my life that is; i was a child and it wasn't easy but it was fun, and then a teen and it was a wavey phase of my life, everything was constantly changing, and i was on the doors of twenties, and it was nice to feel mature, and now i'm officially an adult, young adult and i've been struggling to pass all that, but now that i'm 22 and life is finally balanced, nothing is specially easy and nothing is specially hard, you know who your friends are, you know who your mates are, you know who your enemies are(almost), you know whom to talk to and you know who can't get closer to you...
You know how to do "your stuff", you know what you need, you basically figured out what you like, what your favourite colors are, there's nothing you are waiting specially, you've your study and it's going, time is passing, you've also your other activities, you deal with your dark side sometimes and it's been the same for a decent period of time and it's not changing...
Even your friends have became part of the routine, you know when to call them, you tell them basically the same stuff, you do together the same stuff, you fight over the same stuff...Even those who you get to meet rarely, you meet them at constant time intervals, every 3 months, every 6 months, once a year...
Even your moments of madness occurs constantly at the same rate, you've a very well balanced life, even meeting new people, happens at constant rate. Even sports are all the same, you live in the same city, get the same lengthy walks around the same places, it's really tiring...
Even going some where well exposed to the sun and fresh air, having your coffee and iced capuccino with a friend in the morning, empty headed and careless, even that is so frequent...
So this is the part when it's all settled, when you are finally having some continuity, and nothing, nothing is interrupting that. This sounds scary to me, i'm not used to it, actually i don't want it. I want some new adventure, how about flying around the world in 30 days?? Maybe i need more money to do that...How about going south, some new places, different colors, foods?? Well i'll wait for the vacation, and south is kinda too hot for my liking, and there's no where on earth i'll fly for some european country, no more visa lines and freaky obstacles...How about Russia?? Sounds good or maybe i could go to Georgia they have a mountain province on my name, or Kazakhistan it seems beautifull, maybe Ukraine, and buy some old soviet cameras...Maybe the other half of the earth, it's gonna be winter there when it's my summer, i can go to Australia(that sounds a bit boring), maybe Argentina, it's kinda expensive though, or Morocco/Tunisia?? Or China?? And eating huge shrimps...Lots of sea food in Indonesia too. I can't even decide, which sounds very familiar...
In the mean while i'll fix my cameras, clean my watch crystal and learn how to grow herbs in the pots i bought today and use the soil i got...Oh i need some seeds, maybe i'll wait and buy some tomorrow. Also i need to start my new tropical fish tank(salty this time), i need to start buying new equipment and clean the tank. Or maybe buy some new books to read, reading is such a good routine...
It'll be interesting to eat mint you planted, and maybe i'll bring out my fish equipment, wondering when and where again like i do every year...Maybe it's time to do it!!!
It's been a struggle my life that is; i was a child and it wasn't easy but it was fun, and then a teen and it was a wavey phase of my life, everything was constantly changing, and i was on the doors of twenties, and it was nice to feel mature, and now i'm officially an adult, young adult and i've been struggling to pass all that, but now that i'm 22 and life is finally balanced, nothing is specially easy and nothing is specially hard, you know who your friends are, you know who your mates are, you know who your enemies are(almost), you know whom to talk to and you know who can't get closer to you...
You know how to do "your stuff", you know what you need, you basically figured out what you like, what your favourite colors are, there's nothing you are waiting specially, you've your study and it's going, time is passing, you've also your other activities, you deal with your dark side sometimes and it's been the same for a decent period of time and it's not changing...
Even your friends have became part of the routine, you know when to call them, you tell them basically the same stuff, you do together the same stuff, you fight over the same stuff...Even those who you get to meet rarely, you meet them at constant time intervals, every 3 months, every 6 months, once a year...
Even your moments of madness occurs constantly at the same rate, you've a very well balanced life, even meeting new people, happens at constant rate. Even sports are all the same, you live in the same city, get the same lengthy walks around the same places, it's really tiring...
Even going some where well exposed to the sun and fresh air, having your coffee and iced capuccino with a friend in the morning, empty headed and careless, even that is so frequent...
So this is the part when it's all settled, when you are finally having some continuity, and nothing, nothing is interrupting that. This sounds scary to me, i'm not used to it, actually i don't want it. I want some new adventure, how about flying around the world in 30 days?? Maybe i need more money to do that...How about going south, some new places, different colors, foods?? Well i'll wait for the vacation, and south is kinda too hot for my liking, and there's no where on earth i'll fly for some european country, no more visa lines and freaky obstacles...How about Russia?? Sounds good or maybe i could go to Georgia they have a mountain province on my name, or Kazakhistan it seems beautifull, maybe Ukraine, and buy some old soviet cameras...Maybe the other half of the earth, it's gonna be winter there when it's my summer, i can go to Australia(that sounds a bit boring), maybe Argentina, it's kinda expensive though, or Morocco/Tunisia?? Or China?? And eating huge shrimps...Lots of sea food in Indonesia too. I can't even decide, which sounds very familiar...
In the mean while i'll fix my cameras, clean my watch crystal and learn how to grow herbs in the pots i bought today and use the soil i got...Oh i need some seeds, maybe i'll wait and buy some tomorrow. Also i need to start my new tropical fish tank(salty this time), i need to start buying new equipment and clean the tank. Or maybe buy some new books to read, reading is such a good routine...
It'll be interesting to eat mint you planted, and maybe i'll bring out my fish equipment, wondering when and where again like i do every year...Maybe it's time to do it!!!
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