Same story, different sides...

"...I need to learn more about myself, I donno what to do; I don't want a routine job, I don't think I can handle that." She said, and then after a moment of silence added:"I don't want to get married either, not after what I witnessed...I don't have a purpose, but I am thinking of doing something physical, discover myself you know??" How ironic, I can relate, especially that routine job thing, and ended up establishing a daily routine to balance all the randomness I am living.

I've been digging deeper and deeper, looping and recycling and digging again until I get the feeling that I got control over my fears, that I am transparent, that I am Hercules facing life, courageous and ready to face it all. Until it hits me the next day, find out how cowardly I've reacted, how quick I've fled the scene. Revealing the same old insecurities, same fears. I might have traveled a mile before regressing two, in other words took one step forward and two steps back. Then I beat myself for not trying harder, tell myself that I am young, that I am learning and that I will do better the next time...I mean I've a whole life ahead of me. And it strikes me how many times do I have to rinse, lather and repeat and I donno how many times are left before I suddenly wake up one day knowing that there's simply not enough time, at least not anymore.

Here I am doing too many things at once, distracting myself, learning different skills everyday and yet the closer i get to find answers, the further I am...The truth is a question, while seeking it might be an answer, you'd always wonder if it's ever gonna be enough. And I look around, at people like her, different than her and other than her; and no matter how hard they try to put on the happy face, you can still see through, something is missing, you've been there. No matter how others envy them, no matter how successful they seem. As frustrating as it is, I know I have to find my way, I know I need to choose my path, I know it's not easy and I am afraid of the extent of sacrifices it takes sometimes, I am afraid to repeat other people's mistakes and yet here I am growing, digging and crawling...

It's not all bad, like I said, I am growing and proud of what I've accomplished. But I always knew I could have done more, not regretting it as much as wondering how come I never saw it, thinking I was transparent and honest at least to myself, but damn I never saw it coming...I know that there are things I probably still ignore, or maybe my defensive mechanisms are too sly, but Looking at my mother I realize that sometimes you cannot stretch to your limits or beyond, sometimes you've to settle with the fact that you did the best you could at the time. While it leaves a lot to be desired, I know I cannot beat myself for not doing more. And then a bulb just lights in my head, and on to the new adventure...

I recognize my mistakes, I understand what I left behind, and my most important lesson was to let go, I often thought it was a form of surrender,of giving up, and now I know it's more about survival than anything else. I've always described myself as driven, enthusiastic, self motivated and energetic, while not far from the truth, but sometimes I wonder what does that mean. Sometimes nothing makes sense, because you'll look around, you excitement will fade away when you get that you've been living the same old story. You are just living through different circumstances.

I am unique, and it's a perspective in life. The thing is; I also know we are all the same and there's only one way to heaven...Whatever that means to you!

You may agree and you may disagree, you may be denying the loop, or circling around. Just share your story, inspire me...